Is Tony Blair about to be attacked by a snake?


Tony Blair is at it again today, foaming away and fulminating that if Jeremy Corbyn becomes leader the Labour party will be ostentatiously pushing its self-destruct button. Blair's motivation is curious, seeing as every time he lambasts Corbyn he makes the veteran lefty's once unlikely victory all the more inevitable. 

But... what if he's right? Blair must stare into his expensive bathroom mirror wondering how it all came to this. He made Labour electable after decades in the wilderness, he repeatedly destroyed the Tories, and now they all thank him by refusing to listen to arguably his most important pronouncement of all. Tony, the simple fact is you've cried wolf so spectacularly in the past, now even your old mates haven't got any time for you. Not even 45 minutes. Still, if history proves him right this time and Labour is sending itself down a reactionary socialist rabbit-hole, then Tony Blair is the Laocoon of British politics. 

Who he? Laocoon was the only Trojan who didn't buy the idea that the sudden appearance of a massive wooden horse was a noble gift of surrender from their fleeing foes despite being, and I quote, "just large enough to fit 500 Greeks in full battle dress, and still leave adequate room for toilet facilities". (Being a classicist I only quote from the finest sources, namely Dave Lister, Red Dwarf, Series 5 Episode 2.) Most people have never heard of Laocoon, which is a shame because you've almost certainly heard what he said - he's the man who utters the famous warning in Virgil's Aeneid to "beware the Greeks even when bearing gifts."

The problem for Laocoon was that the Greeks had a couple of Gods on their side that day, which is always handy, and these all-powerful superbeings didn't want some pesky loudmouth to give the game away. So when he wouldn't shut up screaming his dire warnings, Poseidon sent a couple of massive sea serpents to attack and strangle Laocoon, and his two sons into the bargain. 

I think this lesson from ancient history teaches us some very important lessons.

  1. If Tony Blair is right, he will be imminently attacked by a pair of enormous snakes.
  2. If some Conservative supporters are right and the path of history wants to see the Labour Party destroyed under Jeremy Corbyn, Tony Blair will be imminently attacked by a pair of enormous snakes.
  3. Sometimes no matter how hard you shout, nobody wants to listen.
  4. Beware of Trojans, they're complete smegheads.


Jon HarveyComment